JONIZZLE

pardon the seriousness friends.
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I am afraid to have discovered that I share some undesireable traits and characteristics of my mom.

I think I might immediately assume the worst out of things. I find myself focusing on the negative. And, it pisses me off that I do that.

I expect too much out of people too, as in, if I have a set notion of what a person should be/should not be doing, and they break that, then I get mad. Why? I don't know, but I REALLY don't like it. And if you are someone that I consider to be very close, or that I care about very much, the pain that sets in me can be a hundred-fold. I find, in most occassions, there to be something very wrong in that, in over-worrying and over-analyzing. Chill out Jon.

I am wondering if I am a freak too. I'm in college. And seriously, I don't understand the mentality trying to get drunk on a regular basis. It just blows my mind to want to unravel eons of evolution/creation by consuming large quantities of alcohol. Am I missing something? I really don't think so...but if 80-90% of people in college are doing it, there has got to be something about it right? I mean I've been drunk before, but in the end, what? What's the point? Why can't we all just hang out and talk and laugh with each other instead of chemically making us stupider? There has got to be more to life that getting wasted (what a desirable state to be in!...not) Or am I just being too anal? Should I lighten up a little? No, I should stay true to myself right?. But all of this leads to what came into my mind next, which is worst of all. I think, and I want to repeat this clearly so you understand why I'm messed up...is that I sometimes think those of you, who go out with the intention of getting drunk or celebrating drunkenness, you're all losers in that moment. I really do. That's hard for me to admit.

But don't worry, I think I'M A JACKASS for thinking that. Who the hell am I to think that? Why do I get this feeling of dissapointment? Why do I expect my beliefs to automatically be yours (my mom)? I recently discovered I have WAAAAAAAAAAY too much pride. I think that I am better than people, I do. But I also believe in what Socrates/Plato said, that we're all stupid, we're all nothing...or do I? I sometimes like to whisper to myself, "stay humble." Now if I have to remind myself of that, then well, I think that means I have pride issues. And not totally sure how to go about alleviating that, although admitting it is the first step.

But yea, I know I am not better than people, but I feel that I am. That's terrible. And even go ahead and compare many of those of my college compatriots who do like to venture out to the bars frequently, and compare their future prospects of jobs and wealth and close relationships to what I have, and I am totally owned by them. So in measuring success in those socially popular areas, I am far behind. What does this all mean for me? I don't think I am beyond them in depth of character or thought, so...no idea. I'm lost.

In a world of hearing "jon is awesome", "jon is the nicest guy", "he's so funny, look at his glamour shots!"...I'm...not? I'm fake? I'm immature? bitter? insecure? a drama queen? irrational? becoming my mom...?

Uh...shit.

Now the dilemna I am facing is this. I could either you know, just do what everyone else does and go all out and "party" with a drink in one hand every weekend here on out, and probably have fun. Or, I could spend my weekends trying to figure out just what the heck it is that I'm thinking, who I am, what I should do, how I should behave, what goals I should set, what I want to do in life. I feel like a waste.

Because I can't do both. I won't be in a state of mind to do the latter if I do the former. Unless I become one of those "work hard play hard" folks. Yea, that'd be impressive. But it won't be me (why not...? because I waste time. yea, I'm not as good at this whole carpe diem thing as I'd like).

Maybe the reason I am thinking this is all for something else. I'll share a rare glimpse of Christian Jon, a part of me that I usually keep quite private (which is a whole nother thing I think about, as to why I keep it so downlow). So, here's a quote from C.S. Lewis,

"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that i was made for another world."

Maybe, eh?

I judge people some people when I first see them. I shouldnt. I judge people after I get to know them well. I shouldnt. I continually do this. I shouldnt. I am a continually imperfect, quite crappy, sinful human being, which on top of it all, other people think I am quite awesome and smart and happy and true and pure, which makes it all worse, because I am not. So, maybe I need to pursue growing in my Christian faith a little more. Maybe that's what it will all come down to for me.

on a sidenote, I remember the youth group I attended in high school to have a very strong, zero tolerance policy on alcohol for us. Maybe that got deeply embedded into my psyche, or maybe I really just dont care to drink often. But either way, it might be a misconception that Christians shouldnt drink at all, but they can. We're just advised not to get drunk.

I need to open up my heart a little more, to everything. To accept more, in people and in Christ. I need to hope for the best, not assume the worst. I need to figure things out. I need to _________.

I'll fill in that last one later. But for now, lets go with "punch myself in the throat."


Here's to learning about yourself and hopefully, growing for the better from it.