JONIZZLE

I'm afire right now, and I hope I capture all of my thoughts and feelings from today. Brian and I took a daytrip back to Springfield for Jenifer's graduation party. We left at 3pm and came back at 3am, and everything in between our twelve hours was so very good. On the drive back, a lot was going on in my mind about our trip and things from the past few days.

1. Cling to your childhood imagination.

Margaret moved back to London this morning. First, my heart is genuinely depressed that an ocean separates me from my friend. I may not see people who live within 90 minutes of me often, but if I know they are far away distance-wise, I feel very disconnected with them, and therefore very sad. It can break my heart.

I was helping Marge pack last night and she had a cardboard tube for packaging posters. I picked it up and suddenly remembered when I was eleven or twelve, and how I could entertain myself for hours with one prop. At 21, this poster tube was a poster tube. At age 11, this poster tube was a bazooka, and I was defending my army base from attack by my enemies. I vividly remember rolling and jumping around on my sister’s bed, evading enemy fire, and then popping up and shooting them down. And I did all of this with just a pool stick.

I’ve known Brian for ten years now too. And of all the times I’ve been over to his house, I have not once ever set foot in his bedroom. But today, I got to see it, and it was cool. We had some downtime before going over to Jenifer’s, so we went over to his house. And his room is everything I would imagine a young Brian room to be, filled with sports memorabilia and things that reflect his personality. Two things stood out, his basketball hoop and his WWF wrestling figures and wrestling ring. B told me how he would spend hours shooting hoops in his room, pretending to hit game winning shots like all young boys do. He pointed out the part of his floor, where it noticeably was sunken in, because he always jumped around making his shots. The WWF toys were even more nostalgic, with a lot of old wrestling icons and his ring. He would spend hours imaging wresting tournaments play out, and he even had the creativity to create bleachers for his ring and turning other action figures (like the X-Men) into substitutes for other wrestlers based on appearance/ability.

I wish I had the same creativity and imagination to do these things now. The poster tube was a poster tube. I actually tried to recreate the magic in Margaret’s living room of me being in a jungle surrounded by enemies, but it wasn’t happening. And that is a terrible shame, and I hope I can cherish and hold onto whatever of my childhood imagination that I have left. There is just something righteous and wholesome in that ability.

2. Remember hobbies you had as a kid.

On the drive to Springfield, Brian and I were reminiscing about things, and one of those things was EA Sports NHL ’94, the best hockey video game ever. The game is over eleven years old, but we still knew a handful of starting lineups from that game. And we got so excited over it. So the plan at Brian’s was to find his old Sega Genesis, his old games, and bring them back to Champaign with us. And to our joy, we found them, along with NBA Jam and Street Fighter II. And yes, we know a lot of people, real and fictional, in both of those games too. “Charles Barkley and Kevin Johnson for the Suns!” we exclaimed, while sharing our joy with Tyler on the phone. It’s not Amare Stoudamire and Steve Nash, but it’s what we knew as little kids, and it seems almost larger than life now. We’re going to have some old school Sega fun tomorrow.

3. Cherish the ones who knew you when you were young.

After Brian’s, we headed over to Jenifer’s where we spent most of the evening, seven hours to be exact. In those seven hours, there were plenty of old stories shared by a lot of old friends. Jenifer’s house was the site where I shaving-creamed “Asian Stud” (fyi: not a self-given title) into the driveway during the TP War of 1999 between the guys and girls. The shaving cream stained, and for two years, every time it rained, Jenifer’s parents said the letters would reappear on their driveway. At least we can have a good laugh about it now.

We've all grown up. Everyone was having a good time with people they knew when they were young and naïve and innocent. I played baseball and soccer with Brett since I was eight. Meagan was my first date to a dance. Brian and Brandon had a fight over a prom date. Brian’s infamously funny picture was with Brittany, Nicho Ajit Brian and me were inseparable for one summer, Jenifer’s house was the site of many hangouts, and there is more and more and more. I don’t go back to Springfield, often, so this was all very special and reminiscing.

The celebration was for Jenifers college graduation, which means that other friends from my grade there were also done with college and at a crossroads for where to go. There was a lot of conversation about what everyone was doing next, the next steps in our own personal journeys that take us away from each other. As time goes on, it becomes more and more real, much more real than graduating high school. It's just life. People change and situations change. But in this atmosphere, it didn’t seem like anything had. We all knew who each other was, because we all knew each other when we were young, and that’s all it was and that was that. Just one garage full of people who inherently know they enjoy each others company.

4. Laughter, or getting overly-excited about small things, is great for the soul.

Lots of games of Taps and Pong, and they were intense and exciting, especially since we’ve all played them in college with other people, but not against each other, and the games got close. Letting yourself go and just being on fire and excited with life is absolutely thrilling. Like what we do at TAF basically. That’s how you should live your days. And you might as well. What other choice do you have when the choices are joy or blandness?
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I think my drive in life is to stay forever young, and that means staying young at heart. It explains a lot of what I do and what went through my mind today I believe. Clinging to my imagination, remembering things I played, reconnecting with old friends, and just being happy. I say young at heart, Erika calls it immature. Maybe it is both. But odds are I’m right and she’s wrong, haha.

And of course, there is always the "home" issue in going home. But by this I mean Springfield in general. I love Springfield dearly, with all my heart and maybe more so than those who are there, but will I return? A lot of my friends seem to have come back, for long or short periods, and I can’t blame them. It’s a good place to grow up, a good place to get a job, and a good place to someday raise a family I think. But I think I owe it to myself and well, everything and everyone else, to go away and do something different. It could be as close as Stl or Chicago, or it could be Europe or Africa. Who knows, but I’m sad to think that it might not be Springfield like I once dreamed.

Regardless of whether or not I was able to express what I was thinking about in these words, today was a beautiful day. If only I could have seen more fresh old faces with more time.

Brett and others.

High school best friends Meagan and Jenifer

Four years ago, these guys were in a fight over a prom date. I think they dont care anymore.

Clockwise from bottom: Brian, Me, Brittany, Tilldo, Meagan, Sweaty, Jen, and Brando


I think when I "think," it can better be described as dreaming, because I'm always thinking of idealistic thoughts. Reaching and hoping for something utopian. Wishing and wanting more.

I'm a lucky mofo.
Springfield love.
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And lastly, this song speaks volumes of what's been occupying my mind recently, on many different levels.

Snow Patrol - Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear