Conflicted.
If life IS about the people we meet, the relationships we make, and the love that we share between each other, then what does it mean when I am thinking about going to France next year? I'll be an ocean away from every person I have met, all the relationships that I have been making, and those that I love more than anything. Sure, I won't TOTALLY fall off the face of the earth, but you gotta think that I'm probably not going to be in touch with most of you at all, since I would hope I would not be spending my time in Europe online.
I pondered this as I drove back to Springfield for the night to get my car fixed by one of my dad's friends. My (current) backup plan after college aside from France is to fix up my old house in Springfield with Brian and Steve, and then live there with them. It doesn't sound too bad. I'd be spending my time fixing up a house, which would undoubtedly be a good experience that would serve me well later in life. Lately, the house-fixing idea has been gaining strength, and my thoughts while driving home only strengthened them.
Anyways, after dropping my car off to get fixed, I had dinner with my sister and then we went to Barnes & Nobles. I gave JW a call since he's still in town before moving out to NYC in December. He stopped by along with a friend from Princeton who was visiting, and you know, you can tell JW and his friend Jon aren't meant for cities like Springfield. They were both wearing suit jackets, these young 22 year old men, with airs of intellectuality, going to do something in this world. I talked to JW for a bit before he had to go. He'll do good.
We picked up Ajit and headed out, and we eventually made our way to the downtown Springfield bars. And this is where the thoughts that had been in my mind started to develop more and more.
So yea, downtown Springfield. The 3 of us just decided to go from bar to bar, just to see if we'd see anyone we knew. And of course, we did.
- A guy I know from way back in kindergarten
- A good 5th grade friend
- A good 7th grade friend
- A random girl I once had a crush on
- And then more and more and more people from high school. And the majority of these people, I have seen before at the bars, and I've only been to the Springfield bars thrice before.
And so then I realized, I can't come back to Springfield to fix up my old house, because I'll just become one of them, spending weekend after weekend in these places, here in Springfield, seeing the same people over and over again. It might be fun...the first night, but it would get repetitive REAL fast. It would just be like high school, and I LOVE high school, but in your 20's, don't do that. In their defense though, maybe the people I saw are doing something with their lives, but realistically, all the people I saw are probably just hanging out in Springfield as life moves on past them. But is it their fault?
Jake asked how far you could really get in Springfield, how much you could really do, how much you could follow your "dreams". And yea, sadly, as much as Jake and I love Springfield (I'm positive we love it more than 98% of the people our age), we both have this feeling that we can't stay. And therein lies the confliction, because our hearts are torn in two different directions, to stay or leave.
So France is the answer, right? Maybe. France would be an amazing experience. But I'd lose out on eight months of friendships with people here, which is too bad. And maybe, maybe the only reason I'm thinking about going to France is because I'm running away from something (grad school, my mom, the future). But right now it is in 1st place by a wide margin after tonight. As much as I love the people I know in Springfield, I might "owe it to myself" to go off to another part of the world, to see what else is out there, to see what I can accomplish with this life that has been given to me. As much as it pains me to say, I'd be wasting away in Springfield.
There has to be so much more to life. And I want to find it.
It's good to see Jake and Ajit. Along with Brian and Nicho, we had a great summer three years ago. We knew it would be "the last time" we would all get to spend the summer together. One of those transitional summer. Looking back on pictures (this was before I had a digital camera folks. Yea, LONG time ago...), I remember Brian and I talked about it a lot back then, how things would change. You say it, but you never really realize it until it passes you by.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth kids.
Ajit, good luck with the new job in St. Louis. Wear your Cubs hat proudly down there.
I love Springfield. I always will. Maybe I'll come around again, but in the immediate future, I can't, or at least I think I shouldn't.
While the world is changing us...
- Dave Matthews Band
"Stay or Leave"
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