JONIZZLE

disclaimer: this is long. and i vent about my mom the whole time. yea.

ok. so im kinda in a weird funky state now. quite irritated and frustrated and sad and all this other crap. so yea i was at home this weekend to help my mom sell ice cream. i get there friday night and i do my thing there since i used to work at baskins, and my mom starts barking out orders to me about how to treat customers like i dont know how too. right...anyways there was more of that crap that night. my mom doesnt really listen to me, in many ways. like i told her it wasnt a good idea to overtake this place. she did anyways. when she asks me a question, i answer, then she asks 3 more times. and then i get frustrated and yell back at her the answer. then she yells at for yelling at her. and then shes riled up so she yells at me for the next half hour. so yea. thats how it went this weekend.

well saturday came by and i worked all day. my mom unintelligently started this shop with no experience with ice cream / smoothies. whatsoever. she doesnt know where certain ice creams are located and really doesnt know what we sell and dont sell and other things. and shes the boss. and i dont know and my sister doesnt know. so yea that was stupid. at least friday night wahji was working and he had been there with the previous owners so he knew what was going on. but saturday just me my sister and my mom. it was pretty hectic, and i was dealing with the customers the most since my mom was experimenting with the bubble tea (which i think is totally stupid to try to start with it now, i think she should understand what chocolate chip ice cream looks like first since she had to ask me THREE seperate times....) and my sister was doing random things.

so yea im in a pretty pissy mood. and my mom is too. my mom and i are alike...and thats why we fight with each other a lot. i tell her how tyler was going to pick me up around 10 on sunday since hes my ride back. but she gets MAD. she wanted me to stay and work all day sunday. and shes like "any other child would come home every weekend to help their family business, you are so bad, i cant believe i have a son like you." now it doesnt really bother me since shes said that many times before, but ya know, it doesnt make me want to stay and help her any more when she calls me bad and calls me names. shes trying to make me feel guilty for leaving too since this is a family business and i am family and i have to help and if i dont im not part of the family. well shit. i told her long ago i didnt think this was a good idea to open up this place. and even though the rest of "the family", ie me and my sister, didnt think this would be good, my mom bought it anyways. and now its a family business and im OBLIGATED to come home every weekend, forget my life at school, and work oh about 15 hours in a weekend. screw that.

my mom says she opened this for me. not for my sister. but for me. and that i will get all of the money she makes down the road. ok first of all, she doesnt think she made much money saturday (which would be the best day of the week) and called the previous owner cuz he told her she would make lots of money. i think hes shady. and i dont trust him. personally, i think my mom got cheated a bit. so yea shes not making much money and her and i fought all weekend. anyone think thats worth it? hell no. so again, i feel pity for my mom and that i should help her. then she bitches at me again for being a terrible son and uses one of her favorite lines "why do i need enemies when you are my son???" on me. and then i dont want to help her all over again.

i dearly hope and will pray that my mom doesnt yell at the people she hires. i hope to God that she treats them well. she will need it. if youre still reading this and you pray...pray for my mom and her business.

ok so sunday comes around and im packing up to go back to school. my mom is doing the same to take stuff to the store. right before she leaves though she comes upstairs for one last scream session. my mom is like a bully. she will yell at you and belittle you and cut you down to make herself feel better. and its usually me who is the target of her anger. so she screams at me in a pretty scary voice because my mom can be a scary woman. usual jargon flows out of her mouth in mixes of mandarin, taiwanese, and english, pointing at me and whatnot. then she tells me to give back my cell phone. i knew this would happen from the day i bought it. so she takes it. and she doesnt know my school # so the cell was our only way of talking. so now she cant call me and yell at me on the phone at least. but yea shes like "good now we dont talk anymore, dont come back home ever again, i dont want to see you." haha wtf?!?!? its really mind boggling that she says this to me. shes said those words many times to me and of course it never happens. truthfully my mom loves me the most in the world. i know that. but then she also says she hates me the most in the world. and sadly, i can pretty much say the same about her. i dont know if i love my mom more or hate her more. thats just totally wrong.

anyways she goes on and says she is serious this time for me to not come home. she first did it when i was 15 i think. so i did. and she let down after a few weeks while i lived with my dad. now she says that she only let down because i was young and she still had time to "save" me and that i didnt know what i was doing. and now that im "20" (even though im 19....) i should understand how everything is and that im old enough to go. ok so now she wants me to go. but she wants me to go because she didnt want me to go. ok...anyways, then she says i should go because if i stayed i have to listen to what she says and do what she says and thats final. but she said i was old enough to make my own choices....so by default wouldnt i have to leave then? this is all very confusing. my mom is quite irrational and unreasonable and oh yea, she called me a hypocrite too. a hypocrite!!! the woman who while arguing says so many contrasting things called me a hypocrite!!! ahahahaha right. eh, well maybe she doesnt know what it means. or maybe i am really a hypocrite when i argue with her.

she brought up a good point though. ive been planning on going to taiwan to see my dad in december. then she bought this and she got PISSED when i told her i was going. she thinks it is my family duty to spend my break at the ice cream place. instead of go visit my dad who lives there now and saw for an hour at dennys for the first time since the end of july, over 9 weeks. she compared that to when i went to la this summer and only wanted to go for a week.

ok ill be honest. id rather go to taiwan by myself to visit my dad and see tafers and well just be in taiwan and play mah jong with grandparent...than spend more time in la, have my mom compare me to my cousins, and basically have her try to "teach me something" on the trip. and of course fight with her. since thats what we do. but yea i guess thats a bad refelction upon me, id rather be with my friends than family. well certain family that is. but hey now i REALLY want to go to taiwan so i wont have to work. sucks for my sister though. my mom is making her stay. and my sister wont fight to go. i wish my sister would stand up to my mom more. i dont want her to be totally like me and argue with her all the time, but my mom has just got to be put in her place sometime. i try i guess. but this is all just f*cked up.

my moms guilt trip combined with my knowing that she cant handle this by herself is pretty much f-ing with my head. i REALLY dont want to go home and work, but i feel i should at the same time. but she doesnt want me to now apparently and i dont want to give in. but she cant call me either and ask for help since she took the cell. see i knew this ice cream store would be bad. yea sure we will make money, but at what cost? will it be worht it? i dont think so. now i dont want to go home at all.

but after all of this, its just going to go back to the same. next time we talk i guarantee you it will be like nothing happened. and pasdjkfl;asdkasd. shes going to be nice. and i dont think im a mean person....so i can only be nice back to her. its an endless and viscious cycle in my family. and well i pretty much hate it. i dont remember feeling like i dunno, sad, guilty, contrasting....in a long time. but hey my mom can be a good mom and a nice lady. shes usually nice to customers...thats good. and she was really nice to wahji. thank God. so yea dont think shes all that bad. she really can be nice and loving. but yea......ok i dont care anymore to type about this.

i need a hug.